My Favorite Strategy for Defiant Kids as a Clinical Psychologist

Why It Matters

By normalizing mistakes through personal stories, parents can defuse shame‑driven defiance, leading to calmer households and more effective behavior management.

Key Takeaways

• Use personal anecdotes to connect with defiant children
• Storytelling normalizes misbehavior and reduces the child's underlying shame
• Phrase “Did I ever tell you…” captures attention instantly
• Sharing past mistakes models accountability and builds parental empathy
• Strategy shifts power dynamic, encouraging cooperation over confrontation

Summary

The video features a clinical psychologist who introduces a simple storytelling technique for parents of strong‑willed, defiant children. She frames the method as a question—“Did I ever tell you about the time?”—and then shares a personal misbehavior story to model humility and empathy.

She explains that rebellious kids often act out because they are overwhelmed by shame, fearing they are “bad.” By revealing a parent’s own past slip‑ups, the child sees that mistakes are normal, which diffuses shame and opens a path to cooperation rather than confrontation.

A key illustration is the narrator’s example: she recounts ignoring a mother’s rule about throwing a ball indoors, then describes the consequences she faced. The child’s curiosity spikes, prompting engagement and a shared emotional moment that reframes the rule‑breaking as a learning experience.

The approach reshapes the parent‑child power dynamic, turning discipline into a collaborative dialogue. If widely adopted, it could reduce escalation in households, improve emotional regulation in children, and provide a low‑cost, evidence‑based tool for parents and educators alike.

Original Description

Kids cannot change until they feel good inside. And so much of feeling good is feeling connected, meaning that you don’t feel alone in your struggle.

Here’s something parents don’t do enough of: share stories from their childhood, stories of struggle and acting out and tantrums and difficulties in relationships.

Sharing these stories normalizes struggling and tells your kid, “I was there too. You’re not alone. I am a good person and I struggled in that way... this means that you’re a good person inside too. I see that. I’m here with you.”

If you have a kid who’s been labeled “defiant” or “strong-willed” I have good news for you. I have a new program designed with this type of kid in mind coming up live June 24 at 12pm ET. Link in bio for all of the details.