How to Feel More Loved, with Harry Reis, PhD | Speaking of Psychology

Why It Matters

Understanding and cultivating the experience of feeling loved has direct implications for mental and physical health, relationship quality, and productivity; simple changes in communication can reduce loneliness and improve wellbeing. Organizations, educators, and couples can apply these insights to strengthen engagement, retention, and interpersonal resilience.

Summary

Psychologist Harry Reis explains that feeling loved — a sense of being understood, cared for and seen — is distinct from merely being loved or admired, and is crucial for emotional and physical wellbeing. His research links feeling loved to lower loneliness, better performance in work and school, and even longer life, while lack of it correlates with poorer health. Common mistakes people make include emphasizing accomplishments or curated images, which can elicit admiration but not the deeper recognition that produces feeling loved. Reis and co-author Sonja Lyubomirsky recommend practical mindsets such as “listen to learn” and candid, responsive conversations that let people show their full, imperfect selves.

Original Description

Even in our closest relationships, we can sometimes feel misunderstood and disconnected. Relationship researcher Harry Reis, PhD, coauthor of How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most, talks about the difference between being loved and feeling loved; the five “mindsets” that help people build stronger relationships; and why listening, vulnerability and curiosity are key to feeling more loved.

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