How to Trick Your Brain Into Actually Changing

Why It Matters

Because the brain only responds to actionable cues, reframing negative goals into positive, concrete steps dramatically improves habit formation, boosting productivity and reducing costly impulsive behaviors.

Key Takeaways

• Negative goals confuse the brain; use positive action verbs.
• Replace “don’t” commands with concrete alternative behaviors immediately.
• Teach toddlers by modeling actions, not prohibitions directly.
• Impulse control improves by inserting pause and replacement steps.
• Structured habit swaps boost budgeting, parenting, and communication.

Summary

The video explains that the brain struggles with negative goals and that effective behavior change requires framing instructions as positive actions rather than prohibitions.

Research on toddlers illustrates that commands beginning with “don’t” lack a verb for the brain to act on, whereas concrete directives like “use soft hands” are readily processed. The same principle applies to adults: impulsive habits are better curbed by substituting a specific alternative behavior instead of merely saying “stop.”

Examples include training parents who tend to hit their children to “put your hands in your pockets” before responding, teaching angry speakers to pause before speaking, and inserting a budgeting pause before purchases. Each case starts with a simple, actionable replacement before layering more complex skills.

By reframing goals as “do this” rather than “don’t do that,” coaches, managers, and individuals can design habit‑change programs that align with the brain’s natural processing, leading to higher compliance and sustainable outcomes.

Original Description

Your brain doesn’t change with “stop it.”

It changes with “do this instead.”

Real change happens when you give it a clear action to practice:

Notice → name the feeling → choose a response

Don’t train your brain on what not to do.

Train it on what to do next.

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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.

In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

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