The Unspoken Rules of Loving Others (As a Trauma Survivor)

Why It Matters

Understanding these dynamics clarifies common relationship frictions and gives survivors and their partners actionable ways to reduce miscommunication, build trust, and support healing. That insight can improve relationship stability, inform mental-health support, and reduce unnecessary conflict driven by past trauma.

Summary

The video outlines seven “unspoken rules” that shape how trauma survivors love: instinctive withdrawal as a protective hypervigilance, difficulty receiving kindness, unconscious testing of partners, swings between feeling ‘too much’ or ‘not enough,’ and the slow, incremental nature of building trust. It emphasizes that awareness—recognizing withdrawal and self-sabotage—allows survivors to learn new patterns of relating without becoming someone else. The piece offers practical reframes (e.g., naming the protective impulse, communicating when pulling away) and calls for compassion from partners. It also points viewers to free wellness tools and invites further exploration of relationships where both partners have trauma.

Original Description

Have you ever pushed someone away even though you cared about them? A while ago, we made a video called "How to Love Someone with Trauma," which focused on understanding and supporting a loved one with a difficult past. But after reading thousands of comments, we noticed many of you were asking a different question:

"What if I'm the one with trauma?"

Why does love feel uncomfortable when it's healthy? Why do you pull away when someone gets too close? Why can trust feel so difficult, even when someone has done nothing wrong?

In this video, we explore some of the unspoken experiences many trauma survivors face when trying to navigate love, connection, trust, and vulnerability.

Watch our previous video:

How to Love Someone with Trauma:

https://youtu.be/6nuBQh5LVX0

If this video resonates with you, we'd love to hear your story.

What's something about loving others after trauma that you wish more people understood?

#psychology #mentalhealth #trauma

Further Reading & References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed., text rev.; DSM-5-TR). American Psychiatric Publishing.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

Herman, J. L. (2022). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror (Revised ed.). Basic Books.

Cloitre, M., Cohen, L. R., & Koenen, K. C. (2019). Treating Survivors of Childhood Abuse: Psychotherapy for the Interrupted Life. Guilford Press.

If you believe you may be struggling with trauma-related symptoms, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional for support.