I Thought Women Friends Were the Answer. They're Just as Bad as Men. Feminist Advice (Paid Subscriber Bonus)

Key Takeaways

• Female support networks can replicate patriarchal patterns
• Personal betrayal fuels broader critique of feminist solidarity
• Social isolation post-divorce amplifies emotional vulnerability
• Community dynamics outweigh ideological labels in relationships
• Healing requires balanced boundaries beyond gender expectations

Summary

A long‑time reader writes that after her divorce she expected feminist‑leaning women to provide lasting support, but instead encountered abandonment and betrayal similar to her experiences with men. She recounts a canceled girls’ vacation, a mother who vanished during the legal process, and feminist circles that withdrew when she needed help. The letter questions whether the pain stems from patriarchy or from universal human selfishness. Ultimately, she expresses disillusionment, feeling that women can be just as harmful as men despite shared ideology.

Pulse Analysis

The rise of online feminist collectives has created new avenues for solidarity, yet the promise of unconditional support often collides with real‑world interpersonal dynamics. Research in social psychology shows that group affiliation can mask underlying competition, especially when resources—emotional, financial, or social—are scarce. For individuals emerging from high‑stress events like divorce, the expectation of a "found family" can intensify feelings of abandonment when those expectations go unmet, magnifying the sense of betrayal.

Beyond gender, the behavior described mirrors a broader human tendency to prioritize self‑interest over communal ideals. Anthropologists note that any in‑group, whether based on gender, ideology, or hobby, can develop hierarchies that replicate larger societal power structures. In the case of feminist circles, the veneer of empowerment may inadvertently conceal subtle gatekeeping, where members withdraw support to protect their own status or avoid perceived dependency. This dynamic underscores that the challenge is less about misogyny and more about cultivating authentic, reciprocal relationships.

For the feminist movement to retain credibility, it must address these internal fractures by fostering transparent communication, setting clear expectations, and encouraging accountability among members. Programs that blend mentorship with boundary‑setting training can mitigate the risk of repeated hurt. As mental‑health professionals emphasize, resilient support networks hinge on mutual respect rather than shared labels, a lesson that extends to any activist community seeking lasting impact.