Know What's Happening in Life

How Much You Hate How You Feel

In this episode, psychotherapist Carolyn Cowan explores how unprocessed trauma and shame fuel a cycle of self‑destructive behaviors she calls "acting out" (e.g., substance use) and "acting in" (e.g., eating disorders). She introduces a three‑column exercise: (1) list the traumatic events, (2) identify the resulting disorders or coping mechanisms, and (3) assess how much you hate how you feel, which she argues perpetuates the shame loop. Cowan explains that the intensity of self‑hatred keeps the trauma alive, reinforcing victimhood and the associated disorders, but that working through the original events can gradually lower both the disorder symptoms and the hatred of one's feelings. She emphasizes that moving beyond victim identity through therapeutic work can restore trust in oneself and expand one's window of tolerance.